please, please stay close to me

26/02/2021

i wish that i could please everyone, but i cannot. why do i dig myself into holes trying to be myself but not upset other people? i want to be authentically me, but in the end i can't face losing people for it. it's so tempted to just escape from it all, but in the end i know i'd be too alone and come crawling back.

i often wonder if it would be better if i could power through my social media addiction but god, i don't have the energy or focus for that. even watching an episode of anime is hard. at least i can draw, but i want positive comments about it. but i can't stand the feeling of eyes on me? i get followers and i get scared. i don't like people observing me- that's how i disappoint them. i don't want people to have expectations of me. i don't want people to know me.

yet..... lying hurts so much. i feel tight in the chest pretending to agree with something. it's weird, isn't it? i can't deal without these people, but i can't deal with them. i want both, and i know i cannot have both.

i have such vivid thoughts beam into my mind constantly about people finding out everything about me and harassing me, ruining me, hating me, beating the shit out of me even in some cases? i often wonder what my parents will think when i'm gone. what will they think of what they find? i want my mind to leave me alone. i want to be able to do nothing and not have imagery of all my friends verbally assaulting me forcefully shown.

i deactivated my twitters for a bit. i don't intend to let them die, but.... i just want a few days of being alone.

happy shrove tuesday!

16/02/2021

the problem with liking weird web design is that i have so much inspiraton for layouts on pages that i don't have the content for................ but not enough inspiration to actually make nice layouts for the pages i already have....

anyway i might fuck around and make a gifclutter page just for the heck of it. what will i hide on it? that's between me and god.

i was wondering if you could be my valentine

09/02/2021

i lied..i made the styling now! i might tweak some things but hey, i have all month to, right?

today it's mine and my gf's 5 year "anniversary". well..... this is a lie- it was actually yesterday but we're both retarded and thought it was the 7th yesterday since we didn't sleep for over 24 hours. but i'm celebrating it today, because time isn't real.

it's really nice to relax and have a day which just feels drenched in nicer energy....i've felt really upbeat all day despite not really having anything very different! the only real difference is that we've had a takeaway, but hey, that's special in it'self :'D

but back to the layout for a second...it's nice being able to break the general conventions of this site a little on this page! it's based on omori since that's a big theme for me right now, and i wanted to immortalize that. it's also based on tumblr themes because, well.... the game just feels awfully tumblr-like, doesn't it? no mobile theme yet, but i'm not terribly concerned because the only way this page will break is having to scroll to the side, and that's not exactly hard.

i've been having a bit of a writing crisis recently because i was writing a fanfiction in third person but...is it weird to write florally when it's focusing mostly on a 12-13 year old character? i wrote a bit that i'm very proud of but then it hit me that 13 year olds aren't florally!!! they don't use big words!! but a friend said it's fine...i'm not sure, to be honest.

i might keep going and have his actions convey his childishness (like was intended anyway) but i don't know if it's better to give up. my writing style is really mostly aimed at writing depressed teenagers so anything but that is very foreign to me. i guess we'll see!

yeah, that's all i think i have to say right now. my girlfriend is very cute though, and i love her, so that's a closing thought. as much as i could gush though i'll save that for another time because my words possibly deserve more than a random diary entry. >:]

if you need me, i'll be in white space

07/02/2021

so, i decided on a journal-a-month format! i think it'll be nice- long pages stress me out for some reason. realistically at this pace that means only a few entries a month but, well....i don't mind that, for what i just mentioned.

recently, i've been kind of preoccupied for my love for OMORI. i've talked about it for a few journal entries and have a page for it's backgrounds, but it's completely consumed me. the fandom on twitter is really fun. it's been helping me make friends, mutuals, and my fanart gets a decent amount of attention. it's kind of free from the usual fandom politics, and it's really refreshing.

i think....i needed a fandom-like entitiy to belong to. i used to be in one long ago for detective conan, but i kind of outgrew it, and never really got that "community" feeling back. out of all the other fandoms i've been in, they've been large enough that i am completely negligable, or impersonal enough that it feels no different to being on my own. this is a perfect little space for now.

i will definitely make a shrine for this game at some point. it means too much for me, and i have plenty to gush about. i just...gotta actually make it, haha. but i'm sure i will eventually!

in any case, as i expected, my fever for working on this site ended as soon as it started. that's not a bad thing- it means i can put this site together at a more reasonable pace. i have plenty of motivation for it, but now i'm not forgetting to eat in favor of tinkering with css. like i hoped i could, i managed to put together enough that i can just sort of leave it at that snails pace and the site won't really suffer for it. i'm very proud of that...i rarely achieve what i want to, haha.

i think that's all i have to report? though i'll just edit this if i think of much else. now it's time to actually make the page snazzy!