omocat dropped unexpected omori merch........................ i just spent $112 dollars on that shit. UGH i can't stand them. fuck omocat dude!!! i'm going to kill omocat!!!!!!!
i wonder what it means to spiral into a depressive phase again when you've been seemingly okay for a while? i'm okay as i write this but man, i didn't expect to pick the box cutter up again. i'm not a teenager anymore- it's not poetic anymore, just... kind of sad.
well, i digress. i have been writing a little more than usual which is nice. only drabbles and roleplays but... well, it's a start. i miss writing things which are more than a few hundred words long, but i never was good at actually finishing them when i did so it's better for me if i stick to tiny drabbles that i'll finish.
i've wondered for a while if i have adhd so...maybe the day that i actually seek out treatment i'll be able to write the 5k word fanfiction of my dreams. well... that'll be years from now judging by nhs waiting lists and a lack of finance but.. you know.
what does this feeling in my chest mean?
i'm weary. i'm weary. i'm weary.
i want out.
i recently watched my girlfriend play omori, and boy has it awakened a lot of inner confliction. the game is honest to god really, really good. the story was very fun, the atmosphere was established really well, the battle system looked really nice and the humor was very fun. i can't really comment on the quality of the battle system itself, but my gf seemed to enjoy that too.
now, the confliction. simply put, i don't like omocat. they're blatantly into sh*tacon while parading like they're not, and i find the fact that their little boy fever inspired clothing and games is loved by kids to be kind of unsettling. i'm not going to get into an argument of if liking that shit is bad, but i think that if you are the least you can do is not parade around things pertaining to it in front of minors.
which is like... i like media made by bad people with bad elements, right. made in abyss' anime was admittedly a masterpiece despite everything. wadanohara is an incredible game. it leaks into omori a little which is a little uncomfortable, but it's easy to ignore and i believe in the idea that fiction that's not outright evil can still be enjoyed with a critical eye.
but then...................slimegirls, man.
slimegirls was exposed as a sexual abuser, and it makes the idea of recommending people the game difficult since they made the soundtrack. the issue is entirely that sales of the game go to them- and even if half of that money is meant to go to charity, it's hard to encourage people to fund sexual abusers.
there's always the route of piracy- that's the route we went! but it's just...very on the nose, and i feel like a bit of a douchebag recommending it since i usually would not pirate indie games. it's very difficult indeed!
not really sure what my point is, i guess. i just wish this was made by somebody else. :[
i wish that i could be one of those people who is into the ultra cute, kawaii, stuff. maybe not the sickly things, but the cute white furniture, the cute tiled backgrounds, the sanrio plushies, the room made mostly from aliexpress home decor.
unfortunately, god gifted me with eyes that start squinting if they have to look at the colour white too much. and so, that's why voyager dot neocities dot org barely knows what colour is.
[edited at: 21:07]
one of my toxic traits is idolising the site of people with minimalistic and simple site layouts.. and then getting mad when i can't do it, because i keep making too many pages with hard to abbreviate names.
i have been making websites since i was 10, and now i am an adult. i made multiple projects a year in that time.
only today have i learnt that most code editors let you select a huge block of text and press shift to indent it. i have done it manually, line by line, for 10 years.
another day, another little bit of change to the site. today i finally styled the page you're seeing. it's themed around space email, a website that's incredibly dear to me and has been since 2014.
it feels refreshing to have colour. i was a little afraid at first of breaking the monochrome vibe i have going so far, but in the end there's probably no point in sticking to it so much that it stifles my creativity. there's still a few bits to do to it- styling the sidebar to be scrolling, styling the nav more, probably more.
i think that this page being nice looking is probably important, because most people will not be arsed to read every entry and instead will look at it layout, say "hey neat layout lol", maybe skim one or two, then leave. so that impression is more important than whatever shite i'm trying to convey.
also i'm back to a pixel font. i admittedly forgot that ms gothic has it's more readable cousin, ms pgothic. i just can't resist the beautiful crispness of it, i wish that more fonts could look like it. i know it's because it's fucking japanese and that it doesn't even display on macs but man...man i just don't care, it's too good. and like, fuck apple users and their crappy font smoothing.
i only wish that my hyperfix on website making was slightly less of a detriment.....it's just so hard to tear myself away that doing anything else is hard. i want to make this site until the end of time. i wonder how long this feeling will last.
experimenting a bit, changed up the font to quicksand and added a grain to the background. i like it, though i fear that it has no charm anymore. oh well, i'll get there. to be honest, i want to redo a lot of it all anyway. some of it isn't styled outside of style.css in the first place.
yesterday i finally started roleplaying in a little roleplay group i joined recently. it's exciting and exhausting at the same time, but it's very refreshing when i haven't seriously roleplayed since i was 14.
my only problem is that to be honest, one of the members is a little awkward to rp with. they write detail-less 1-2 sentence replies to my 2-3 paragraph responses. they don't even format it correctly. i try to do my best when my character is interacting with them but man, it's kind of hard to get anything too interesting when they change topic every 2 replies. i'm very thankful for the other person who i was interacting with for helping me carry it.
to be honest, i think they lied about their age to get in. in theory they should be 16 or 17 due to it being a 'minor' in a 16+ rp group, but.....i roleplayed more literately than them when i was 11. i can't really berate them too badly because i was so guilty of joining rps i shouldn't have done on neopets back in the day....... but at the same time that was never an issue because i at least knew how to type with capital letters.
well, i'm not really about to ruin some kids day so i've just been tolerating it. i'm still having a lot of fun anyway and theres plenty of other roleplayers for me to hopefully not have to run into them too much.
well, i made the page i was talking about yesterday after my planning, a page on mundane but aesthetic words. a few words got axed between my notepad document and the page itself, but i think the pruning is for the best.
to be honest, i'm still not entirely happy with my layouts. i'm not quite sure what though, which makes things slightly more difficult.
maybe the font? ms gothic is wonderful but not the most readable, plus i still haven't decided on a fallback. i'm not very good with fonts, i know too few and rarely do i get much joy for anything overly readable as a body font.
or maybe it's the sizing? that's also kind of difficult though because pixel perfect view is 80% for me.... i often end up zoomed into 100% anyway and it ends up never looking right on both. i'm also too stubborn to make my content completely unreadable and incompatable unfortunately, so my layouts are always slightly neutered to work on all screens and both desktop and mobile.
or just.....layout? i don't know.
i know it doesn't nessicarily need to be 100% perfect, a lot of my favourite sites revel in their simplicity. but..............i do still think i'd like to have a site i'm completely content with.
if nothing else, i'm trying the approach of the whole site being accessed via a list on the front page, instead of a layout where all of the links are on every page. i've tried approaches where i try to have a cohesive navbar, and i just found i could never give enough of a shit to update every page with a new layout.
plus...... i like every little page having a slightly different sense of graphic design. it's fun, each page feels like it's own little world. i'm not going too crazily different on each page but still, i think it's nice to be able to experiment a little
i'll guess we'll see where this takes me. for now i'm still trying to go content first, like how i haven't styled this diary yet despite writing in it three days running. hopefully i can figure something out i'm satisfied with!
i've been tinkering with website pretty much non-stop since i made it. my god, it's refreshing. the idea have been pretty much flowing non-stop, and i'm just trying to get them down before they fade.
perhaps i'll tucker out at some point- i tend to with all the projects i start. but.. i'm trying to get this little space to a point where it's fun to look through regardless of if it's really finished. persoal websites will generally be abandoned someday- the owner will grow past them, or change them beyond their original state. part of the joy of looking through oocities is the way that despite them all being long dead, they still are eveyone's little marks on the internet.
it makes me wonder.... if neocities dies one day, will history repeat itself? will i just be a small name in a list of archived content? will someone look at my site 10 years later and think about how retro my usage of ms gothic is?
anyway, i've been working on a hefty list that hopefully will be at least partially useful to people. it goes hand-in-hand with my page on aesthetic concepts. i don't know if i'll get it finished too soon since i'm a little apprehensive to start it, but all the planning is there. i guess we'll see!
a first log entry is always a difficult one. to be honest, i don't really know what i want to write here.
as i stated in my about page, this was started as an escape. i just yearn for lost freedom, i suppose.
being percieved is exhausting. sometimes i want the ability to escape from myself, and the eyes i feel watching me as an artist who posts on social media.
is this "true to myself?" i don't know. who is realer, the persona i put on in social media, or the thoughts i try not to post on there?
i gravitated to neocities because, despite everything, it feels warmer than other hosting. i guess i still crave perception deep down. maybe i'll get my happy medium on here.
i don't know if i'll ever link this to anything, or leave it as my own seperate thing. i guess i'll find out eventually.
goodbye for now, cosmos.