(17/03/2021)

amazing how i can feel better just because there's sun outside. it's easy to make fun of people being like "you're depressed? just go outside!", but going on tiny walks or sitting on the bench in my garden has genuinely made me feel better. maybe i have vitamin deficiency..probably, actually. i spend most of my time awake at night rather than day.

having the window open a slither too.. who would have guessed humans weren't meant to be holed up in a box? i have to leave to go to the shop regularly anyway, so it's not like it had the poetic hikkikomori appeal anyway. the slight breeze and coldness of the air..even breathing feels nicer.

other than that, i've also been covering my bed back over with the duvets/blankets recently. not really making the bed since it's loose and i don't tuck it in, but not just leaving it scrunched up in the middle. it's nice! it looks tidier, it feels nicer to go to bed, and the bed is warmer when i get in. i'm so stupid for waiting til i was 20 to develop this habit.

in the end, self help is not something going outside or covering my bed over will fix...but i think if i can make even tiny improvements that make me feel better, that's a win, right?

(15/03/2021)

i ended up just going for it, and cutting the friend i talked about last entry off. i actually messaged him to be like "hey, i want to stop being friends, i'm sorry, i just don't think this is healthy"- something i'm proud of as it was a first time. but then he accused me of something really vague? "yeah i figured that was you." like..... huh???

i'm legitimately really confused, since i don't believe i did anything which wasn't obviously me. my only thought is a piece of anon hate they got a few days ago whih they seemed to think was from a friend, but i legitimately didn't do it. quite frankly i have better things to do than send hate anons, because i am not 14 years old and i'm cutting him off to AVOID strife and fighting. but.... eh. i can't convince him, he can believe what he wants to. it's no longer my issue.

...i could rant more, but it's probably wise for me to keep some kind of anonymity here. who knows if he'll ever find this. probably not? but who knows, and i legitimately don't want fights.

well, hopefully i'll feel better for this. it's really too early to feel any real difference. but hey, my twitter timeline is more peaceful now.

(14/03/2021)

to be honest, i don't know how i feel recently. perhaps if i just drown myself in videogames and keep doodling tf art i can feel something.

someone paid me $100 to draw gay spanking and i just took it because i need money. to be honest, i'm just scared about if i can do it. posing is hard. expectations are hard. at least when i undercharge, people don't have too much right to complain about if it's not my best piece.

i think i want to end a friendship. it's been tense for a while, it's been tense most of it's 2 month lifespan, it feels like we either get along really well or have this weird awkwardace because we have very different takes on things and i've been trying to be less of a pushover and stand up for my beliefs. we bonded over something which is usually fairly private for me though, so it feels a little awkward to end it. lest they shittalk me, reveal that shit to other people, ect ect.

that and...i've never ended one in any way that wasn't implusively blocking them on everything, or not talking until we lose track of eachother, so i don't really know how to.

do i really care though? do i? i don't know anymore. all i know right now is that i want to go to bed.

it's just...it's not normal for a friendship to constantly have you feeling mad, right? for you to see them posting and be like "god you're such an idiot" and not in that affectionate way. to have to take breaks from social media when in a touchy mood lest you lash out at your friend who's likely made a dumb take (something done on a daily basis).... that's not normal..right?

god, i'm sleepy.

(03/03/2021)

new month, new design. i still have things to tweak, but i think it's pretty.....

(it's funny, i would not have dreamed that this kind of web design would be something i'd do. google fonts? unsplash background? bonkers. where's the pixel brush artwork and rainbows?)

i've been thinking about what i want from the internet a lot recently, as i talked about in my last entry if all it does is make me keep entering friendships that feel unrewarding, if my social media presence makes me unhappy more than it does joy, why be here? i'm the one making the conscious choice to engage with other people. i could be a silent twitter account.

i don't want to be that drastic but... i might honestly throw it all away and start again in an area of the internet where i feel comfortable, where i do like. i do have that as a locked twitter account with a handful of mutuals who make me happy. but i want the ability to connect with people not already in my circle, and the double life i have with that is kind of uncomfortable. we will see. maybe i will shed it all.

that's not going to effect this site for the record, this is a nice space and one of the only places i like due to the anonymity. but i want a space where i can be *me*, not just someone larping as a manga dog. (thank you for listening to my woes though, if anyone is listening to this)

on another note, been trying to self-help a little when it comes to building healthy habits with doing things. my gf is looking into dbt, and i'm trying to go along with it to see if i pick up anything by proxy. i want to make a (hidden) page on it where i can talk about it in better detail, but for now i'll just say i'm proud that i'm working on it in the first place. :]

i think that's all i have to say for now? goodbye until the next entry!