the calender ticked over onto another year two days ago. and so, it's time for a slightly late reflection on what 2020 really meant to me.

years are really more of a concept than a real concrete thing. of course, the seasons tick around without fail. but it's not truly as quantifiable as we assume- after all, with leap years we're technically off by a fraction most of the time. the last day of the year really doesn't matter much in the universe.

what the new year does bring, however, is the idea of a fresh start. the ability to clear our heads and finally try to change that thing which bugs us about our circumstances, habits, or work. that mental refresh is something that many including me are desperately craving for after this shitty fucking year.

*

at the very beginning of the year, i was freshly reeling from having dropped out of university.

..that was still one hell of a decision, but i'm glad i did. despite everything, i'm much happier this year than i have been for years. i was volunteering in a charity shop until april, which built up my shattered confidence a lot. i was finally ready to get a job and figure out what i wanted to do with my life, maybe even get an apprenticeship.

and then, the inevitable- coronavirus.

never would i have assumed that i'd witness a worldwide pandemic, especially not while i was this young. maybe if i was 50 or something, i'd have been less surprised. but it just didn't feel like a real possibility.

i very much wish that i had learned something valuable during the main lockdown. i became a much better cook, and have a lot more meals in my repertoire, at least? my art definitely improved a lot. but it all just feels like such a meaningless improvement. i mean, people trained for new jobs, learnt new languages, and i got hundreds of hours in animal crossing.

still, i can't say i despised the lockdown. quite frankly, the last few years left me tired. academia wore me down to a powder, and i needed a chance to get a solid form again. the lockdown gave me a chance to reform myself, and just enjoy life again while being paid to play videogames and sleep at 4am. for that alone i'd say that despite everything, i came out stronger at the end of this year. it feels absurd to say, but i'm thankful it was the case.

*

despite all of this though, it's difficult to not come out of the year feeling jaded. the uk government has fucked up every single step of the way. corona is uncomfortably close, to the point of family getting it (albeit mostly symptomless). before the lockdown, we were all kind of nervous about this new virus which had taken china by storm and had racked up a few cases.

unfortunately, that was not enough to encourage random ladies in chinese restaurants with kids to fucking wash their hands when coming out of the bathroom. i kind of knew we were fucked as soon as i witnessed that.

*

god though, the year has truly felt so long but short. i blinked and it was december, but it was a century since march. remember when boris got covid? what was that, 2018? remember when the biggest issues was australia's wildfires? god, that was 2020?

indeed though, it was! it's insane to consider, isn't it? here's to hoping 2021 to trickle by just a little bit slower!

*

so....conclusions.

first of all, i think that in 2021 i want to hold onto those i love closer. perhaps then, i can avoid becoming completely fucking blackened by despair when being forced to acknowledge people's stupid decisions daily. perhaps then, i'll be able to forge myself a more positive future.

also like, i want a job. please hire me, haha. i want to actually figure out where i'm going with my life, and since that will take money i'll take what i can get. i'm thankful i learnt to be confident enough to even apply for one this year!

other than that, i'd like to continue improving at my art. i'm finally finding something i like, and i want to hold that dearly and grow that little seed.

but that's all i have to say, i think... so here's to forging a better 2021 for ourselves!